Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
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I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.