Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
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My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.