Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
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Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Dead sexy!!
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?