As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
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Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.