What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
You Might Also Like
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.