3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
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[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Batman v Dracula
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people