I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
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ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard