I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
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My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Air conditioning – not a fan
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?