7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
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“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
🤣🤣🤣
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork