[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
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It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?