Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
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9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Perfection.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it