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son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough