Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
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Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.