[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
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My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.