*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
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Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
me and who
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.