Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
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bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Proctology is located in A55
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
rich people when they have to pay taxes