I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
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9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Spring of Deception
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
He-man has a Masters degree
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true