You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
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You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.