I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
You Might Also Like
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]