I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
You Might Also Like
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap