My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
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I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
WHO DID THIS?
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.