Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
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If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Alexa, make me look good naked.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse