if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
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Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.