Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
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The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa