Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
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My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Hamburger Hinderer.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.