When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
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Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Love this guy
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.