What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
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so much to do
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”