Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
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You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
when the buffet is more honest than your date
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
SF is the wild wild west man
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night