I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
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me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it