Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
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Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
ok like just. call me at this point
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.