[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
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This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
This is a bad sign
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
*seductively peels off lederhosen
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.