since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
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somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Realize this:
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’