My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
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i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead