Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
You Might Also Like
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Monica just destroyed the internet
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken