You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
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My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Had to try this trend 😊
You got this…
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*