Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
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I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Me irl
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days