I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
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*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.