Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
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i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
LOL!
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
repaired
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.