Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
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check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y