Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
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I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.