The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
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I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Lmbo
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
this is the best day of my life