How to make infinite energy.
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Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice