Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
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Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.