Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
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BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
President The Rock Obama
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.