Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
You Might Also Like
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.
Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.