People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
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My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
This is a bad sign
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.