Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
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I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?