Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
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The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
mentally somewhere in italy
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…