5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
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Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
I wish this was real life…
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”