My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
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I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now